Every fight is the same three-word question
A couples researcher spent 35 years listening to arguments and found they were never really about the dishes.
Sue Johnson built Emotionally Focused Therapy after noticing that couples fighting about chores, money, or in-laws were, underneath, all asking the same thing: are you there for me? She argues adult romantic bonds run on the same attachment system wired into infants — the nervous system codes emotional distance as danger, not disappointment.
Her shorthand for what a secure partner provides is A.R.E.: Accessible (can I reach you), Responsive (do you tune in when it matters), Engaged (do you want to be here with me). When one of those goes missing, couples don't usually say so directly. They snap about the dishwasher instead, and the snap escalates into what Johnson calls a demon dialogue — a fight neither person can find the exit from, because the real question was never about the dishwasher.
Her book Hold Me Tight builds seven conversations around naming that hidden question out loud, before the argument starts standing in for it.
Next fight, before defending your point: ask what the argument is actually asking you.